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Booger's Guide to Haring
Every hash has a certain type of wallflower: the harrier or harriette who shows
up every week for the trail and the beer, but never hares. Most hash groups try
hard to draw their wallflowers out, but there remain a stubbon few who can be
relied upon to beg off whenever they're asked to set a trail.
I suspect that when you get right down to it, your really determined wallflower
is afraid to hare. Afraid of doing something for the first time, afraid of being
criticized for messing up the trail, afraid of being compared with better hares
. . . and in a live hare hash, afraid of getting caught! I've hared so many
times I can't begin to remember all the trails I've laid, but I'm still
terrified every time I do it. I have vivid nightmares the evening before, and
once I start laying trail, for the first mile I can't make up my mind whether to
suck wind or hyperventilate. I strongly suspect that most hares experience some
sort of pre-trail anxiety. It comes with the territory, and it's part of the
thrill of haring.
Haring is a thrill, after all, and uniquely rewarding. It really is a kick to
plan a trail, especially if you've discovered some unexplored, challenging
terrain to spice it up. And there are so many possibilities . . . long straight
A to Bs, eagle/turkey splits, uphill detours begging to be BTs, circular trails
that can either be A to As, A to almost-As, even A to Bs. Trust me, few things
in life come up to the level of fun you'll get from finishing your trail, then
running back to a vantage point where you can watch the pack flailing through
the shiggy . . . except, perhaps, for the pleasure of knowing you finished your
trail without getting caught! Yes, it's rewarding. It adds a new dimension to
your enjoyment of hashing, and once you've tried it, you'll want to do it again.
For the benefit of experienced hares who want to learn more about the art, for
novice hares, and especially for hashers who would sign up to hare if they
didn't find the whole deal so intimidating, here are some tips and techniques
I've developed over the years:
Live Hare Trails. Find an experienced co-hare to help you lay your first trail,
and listen to his or her advice. This really is the best way to learn . . .
it'll also give you added confidence, and you can be sure your co-hare will help
you plan your trail to minimize the chance of getting caught. Here are some live
hare techniques tailored to your own prowess as a runner:
Front Running Bastard. Shit, just go for it. You probably don't even need a
co-hare. All you have to worry about is using up your head start with checks,
loops, and bad trails, so be sure to wear a stopwatch and remember to hack it
when you take off. Plan a fairly straight A to B and you're in there. If you
can't carry enough flour to lay the entire trail, you may want to go out ahead
of time and stash an extra bag somewhere on trail.
Head of the Pack Runner. Go out one or two hours early and pre-lay your longer
bad trails and loops. This will allow you and your co-hare to take maximum
advantage of your head start, live haring just the basic trail from start to
finish. Be very careful if you're laying a circular trail, though -
short-cutters might head out backwards and catch you on your way in! Laying an A
to B trail is the best way to avoid getting caught.
Middle of the Pack Runner. Make sure you recruit a good runner as co-hare, and
have him or her run the complete trail, laying the middle portion. You lay the
first part, then detour off trail to a place where you can pick up and lay the
end. Alternately, have your co-hare lay the first two-thirds of the trail while
you run straight to a point where you can pick up the last third. Both of these
techniques require a circular trail, though not necessarily an A to A.
Back of the Pack Runner. Pre-lay two-thirds to three-fourths of your trail. Live
hare the first portion, hide somewhere until the pack passes, then detour
straight to a point where you can pick up and lay the last portion. Once again,
you'll need a circular trail for this to work.
Fat Boy. Pre-lay nine-tenths of your trail. Run the first tenth, then hop in the
car you stashed ahead of time (don't forget to bring your keys with you!) and
drive to the end (being sure to park the car out of sight). Trail type no longer
matters - you can set it straight or you can set it circular. You can set a
f_cking rhomboid if you want.
Keep Up the Pretense. No matter which technique you use, keep the details to
yourself and your co-hares. As far as the pack is concerned, you hared the
entire trail live!
A Sobering Thought. You know what's really depressing? The above is pretty much
a description of my downhill progress at haring over the years!
Regardless of Running Ability. Start planning trail a month, or at the very
latest two weeks, before the event. Pick the area you want to run in, then
select start and finish locations. Many hares pick the finish location first and
start their planning from there. There are many considerations in picking start
and finish locations - parking, shade, a place to pee, and a reasonable amount
of isolation from civilians so you can sing and drink afterwards. Plan the route
from start to finish. Begin with map study, then walk the route. Look for animal
or kid trails . . . they'll lead you to all sorts of interesting places, like
holes in fences, the best places to cross streams, the best routes up and down
cliffs, etc. Pick the best places for checks, and make your BTs convincing. Your
trail should keep the FRBs busy solving checks, allowing the pack to catch up.
Live run your trail at least once, timing yourself. You should be able to run
the basic trail (run the trail itself without taking bad trails or loops, that
is) in 30 to 45 minutes. Don't worry that it's too short . . . with your checks,
bad trails, and loops, the pack will be out for an hour or slightly longer.
Dead Hare Trails. At first glance, dead haring appears easier than live haring,
but that's not necessarily true. I still recommend working with an experienced
co-hare at first. Quite often, novice dead hares lay overly complicated,
way-too-long trails, simply because without the worry of getting caught, they
can. Here are some thoughts on dead hare trails:
Plan Ahead. Live or dead trail, the basics are the same: you need to plan ahead,
putting some thought into start and finish locations as well as the route. You
still want to lay a trail that will keep the pack together, slowing down the
FRBs and allowing the slower runners an opportunity to catch up. Overall length
should be the same as a live trail; it shouldn't take you much more than an hour
to walk your basic trail from start to finish.
Viva la Difference. The difference between live and dead haring is that you have
time to lay a more complex trail, with no pressure to hurry lest you get caught
. . . just don't get carried away! Your only real time constraint is how early
you can pre-lay and still expect your trail to be there when the pack runs it. A
rainstorm between your pre-lay and the start of the hash can undo all your hard
work; so can an anal property owner with a broom or garden hose. My point? Don't
pre-lay trail too early . . . one to two hours before the start is about the
right time to set out with your bag of flour.
Deus ex Machina. It's easier to take advantage of public transportation when you
dead hare. You can time the start so that the pack, after running the first
half-mile, for example, will arrive at a bus or subway stop in time to catch a
ride to another part of town, where trail will resume. Elevators and ferry boats
are always a nice touch. Be inventive. Just be sure that if you try this, you do
it early enough on trail so that the pack is still together and no one gets left
behind. By the way, it's up to you, the hare, to figure out how to pay for
special items like this.
Boldly Go Where No Hare Has Gone Before. A live hare, running, is more likely to
be challenged and turned away from certain venues than a dead hare, discreetly
walking, looking innocent. What sort of venue? Oh, say, a fancy mall, tony
stores inside the mall, hotel pools, casinos, air terminals, private beaches,
gated neighborhoods, outdoor wedding ceremonies . . . you can certainly set the
pack up for some high profile encounters! Obviously, a little of this can go a
long way, and personally, I always think twice about laying trail through areas
where the pack is likely to get busted for trespassing . . . then I go ahead and
do it anyway!
Sweep Your Trail. As a dead hare, you should plan to run or walk behind the
pack, looking for DOTs and helping them get back on trail.
Other Hare Responsibilities. In most hashes, live or dead hare, the hares sweep
trail when hashers are overdue, finding DOTs and bringing them on-in. On hot
days, hares should provide for water or beer stops along the trail. In hashes
without a biermeister, the hares are usually responsible for bringing the beer.
In some hashes, the hares are expected to find a suitable on-after restaurant or
pub, while in other hashes, the hares bring and cook food for on-afters. But
uppermost and always, the hares are responsible for laying a challenging,
entertaining trail, the heart of every hash.
As I said, I get excited about haring, and I hope what I've written will help
get you excited too. You really haven't experienced the full thrill of hashing
until you've hared. Wallflowers, get with it . . . find an experienced co-hare
and sign up now!
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